One of the supposed joys of being self-employed or owning your own business, is that you can work the hours you want to work, and do whatever you’d like to do with the rest of your time. If you want to go to the cinema at 11am on a Monday, you can.
That’s the idea, at least. However, going to see a movie during the traditional ‘working hours’ is nearly impossible. It’s not that the cinema is closed, it’s open. There is no boss telling you to focus on your work – you’re your own boss! There are no visible obstacles stopping you from doing the thing you want to do.
The only thing that stands in your way is yourself.
Your diary is on your side. You glance at the page and see Monday is completely empty. You have no work deadlines until Thursday. Something deep inside of you knows that the best thing you can do for your mental health, for your creativity and just for your darn pleasure, is to go see that film you’ve been wanting to see.
So, you book a ticket. Pick the perfect seat, and dream about how wonderful Monday morning is going to be. Shortly after, a small bit of subtle doubt creeps in. It sounds something like this:
“WHAT? CINEMA ON A MONDAY DURING THE DAY!!? YOU’RE BEHIND ON WORK! YOU HAVE TOO MUCH WORK! PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU’RE LAZY! YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH WORK! GOING TO A MOVIE IS WASTING YOUR TIME! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?”
If you work in the film industry, the voice in your head sounds even more complicated and contradictory. See if you can catch the subtle disagreeableness of the inner-voice.
“Going to a movie is a great idea, you can learn more about the craft, BUT YOU ARE TOO BUSY WATCHING MOVIES TO ACTUALLY LEARN ANYTHING – I can reconnect with the joy of a good story, BUT IF YOU SIT THERE FEELING JOY IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE WASTING YOUR CAREER WATCHING MOVIES WHILE EVERYONE ELSE IS WORKING HARD, I can figure out how the actors managed to— NO NO NO, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? GET BACK TO WORK!”
This inner battle goes on for minutes, hours, weeks. By time you convince yourself to go see the movie, it’s no longer in its theatrical run.
There is nothing better for a screenwriter or actor or director than to consume the content they are interested in. It was easier back in the day. The younger, more carefree me, loved films freely. I could happily hide away in my bedroom with VHS tapes, and then DVDs, watching every movie I could find. I was finding my life’s purpose, I was becoming me. But when did my attitude to the things that bring me joy, change?
Somewhere in me there are conflicting values. One value, believes in art at all costs. I want to dive into the things I’m passionate about, and watching films is a huge part of that. The other value is hard work; focusing on the job at hand and not stopping until I am working consistently at the level I aspire to. Somewhere in-between those two values lies the problem.
I can more readily relate to the hard work part. That seems valuable. But somehow, the drive to watch films feels incorrect, like I shouldn’t be doing it. As I said near the beginning, deep down I know that the watching and enjoying of films is crucial – both to me as a person, and me as a creator. I have no problem working until midnight on a script, or editing a video when I’m meant to be on holiday. Yet to enjoy watching a film during daylight hours on a weekday seems like a sin as bad as murder.
The journey from deciding to see a film, to actually doing it, is a long slog. Any excuse will stop me from doing the thing I want to do. Sometimes it’s a useful reason, like a potential new client wants to meet with me. My head tells me that meeting them immediately is more important than my wasteful trip to the cinema. More commonly, there’s no specific reason, just a voice in my head that says, “stay at the office instead.” My brain seems to think that being in a conventional work environment that honours the 9-to-5 mentality, is more important than doing something that, by itself, can inspire me. Creativity requires joy. It requires new experiences. It requires indulging in the artistic creations of others. If my job demands it, why do I have such a hard time embracing it?
The good news is, today; I went to see a film. An 11am screening at the swanky Everyman Cinema in Broadgate. I went full out, too. A hot dog, popcorn and a coffee. And, mid-film, I snuck out to the bar to order a second coffee. The film was great, but more importantly, the experience was great. Any time I’m seeing a movie, I’m in a good place. I’m closer to the person I am meant to be. And now I’m back in my office, I’m refreshed, I’m productive (what I am writing here is proof of that). The question is, will I remember this lesson? The next time there’s a gap in my diary, will I choose to do what I love, and go see a flick? Or will I tell myself it’s a bad idea, and force myself to do something supposedly more productive?
Maybe, some time in the past, I visited the cinema instead of doing important work. But honestly, I don’t think I ever did. It’s only ever helped me. The sad truth is, I’ll forget this. And this fight will start up in my head all over again.
